Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for when the same fights keep getting triggered
Couples Therapy for Conflict
You both know that Something needs to change.
You keep having the same fights, even though you both want them to stop.
One of you says something, maybe it’s the tone or the actual words, and suddenly your chest is tight. Your partner is still talking but you can’t hear them anymore.
Or you’re the one whose voice gets louder, sharper, and you watch yourself say things you don’t mean while some part of you thinks, “stop, this isn’t helping”.
You’ve tried the communication techniques, read the articles about active listening and I-statements, maybe even done couples therapy before. And for a few days after the conversation, things are better… until they’re not, and the same fight happens again.
The argument may be about something completely different on the surface, but it feels exactly the same.
The problem here is that past trauma has wired your body to react before your brain can catch up.
Why the same communication breakdowns happen on repeat
You and your partner didn’t learn these behaviors out of nowhere. Somewhere along the way — maybe growing up in a home where emotions were big or where they weren’t allowed at all, maybe in a past relationship that didn’t go well, maybe through experiences you haven’t fully made sense of yet — you each learned how to get through hard moments. Your body got really good at things like:
Scanning your partner's tone, facial expression, or silence and reacting before you even know why
Going quiet the moment conflict starts, because at some point you learned that being small and staying quiet was the way to get through it
Flooding with emotion and pushing harder when you feel your partner pulling away, because being ignored felt worse than fighting
Going completely blank when you need to think clearly; your partner asks what’s wrong and you cannot find the words
Getting defensive before anyone can get close enough to criticize you, so a simple question about your day turns into “why are you interrogating me?”
These reactions made sense when you learned them. The problem is they don’t turn off just because your relationship is different now. The part of your brain running these responses doesn’t distinguish between your partner asking “can we talk about the budget?” and the financial chaos or tension you grew up around. It can’t tell the difference between your partner needing space to calm down, and the ex who disappeared for days when they were angry.
So your body reacts like it’s back in the original situation, and the conversation that was supposed to be about whose turn it is to pick up the kids becomes about something much bigger, even if neither of you can name what that is.
The reactions that don’t match the moment…
The withdrawer who goes blank
You want to stay in the conversation, but the moment things start to escalate, your mind goes empty. You can’t access what you’re feeling or what you want to say.
Maybe you physically leave the room, or maybe you just disappear while you’re still sitting there. Your partner experiences this as stonewalling or not caring. You experience it as your brain completely offline when you need it the most.
The pursuer who can’t calm down
You can feel yourself getting louder, more intense, repeating the same point over and over. Some part of you knows you should stop, take a breath, come back to this later. But that doesn’t really feel like an option because if you stop now, it won’t get resolved: your partner will withdraw, the issue will get swept under the rug.
So you keep pushing, and you hate how you sound, but the fear of being dismissed or abandoned is stronger than your ability to calm yourself down.
The shame spiral
The conflict starts about a legitimate issue — someone forgot to pay a bill, made plans without checking first, snapped at the kids unnecessarily — but within minutes, you’re no longer talking about the original problem. The criticism, real or perceived, hits something deeper, and suddenly you’re reacting in ways that surprise both you and your partner.
This looks different depending on who you are: maybe you collapse into “I’m a terrible partner, you should leave me, I ruin everything.” Maybe you go on the offensive and start listing everything your partner has ever done wrong. Maybe you shut down completely and can’t access a single word.
None of it is actually about the bill.
Trauma-focused EFT couples therapy makes healthy communication and repair after conflict possible.
Why communication tools often aren’t enough, and what works instead
Most couples therapy teaches you communication tools: "I statements," active listening, conflict resolution techniques. Those are useful, but they don't address why your throat closes up when you try to speak during an argument, or why your partner's mind goes completely blank the moment tension rises.
You can know exactly what you're supposed to say and still not be able to say it when your body is in full protection mode.
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) as my primary approach because it focuses on the emotional bond between you — the kind where you can be yourself, have needs, and trust that connection won’t disappear when things get hard. I combine this with body-based trauma work, and I pull in practical tools from the Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy (RLT) when you need direct coaching on how to show up differently in a hard moment.
The common thread is that we work with what’s happening in your body, not just the words you’re using, and we practice in the session rather than just talk about what you should try at home.
First sessions: Seeing the dynamic clearly
We map out what happens between you when things go wrong; not just what you fight about, but the underlying dynamic: who pursues, who withdraws, where shame shows up, what you’re each afraid of beneath the surface conflict.
Most couples are shocked to realize they’re not fighting about dishes or schedules but about “am I safe with you?” and “do I matter to you?”
Once you can both see the pattern clearly, something shifts. You stop blaming each other and start recognizing that you're both caught in something bigger than either of you. That alone changes how your next argument goes, because it's harder to see your partner as the enemy when you can see what's actually driving them.
Middle phase: Practicing in the room so it works at home
This is where the real work happens. I coach you through actual conflicts in session, the real issues you’re dealing with, not hypothetical ones. When someone starts to shut down, we pause and work with that. When someone floods with emotion, we practice calming your nervous system together. When the “I’m bad” shame spiral starts, we address it directly.
We also look at the stories you’ve built about yourself and your partner and learn to see them as stories, not facts. Maybe the story is “I always mess everything up” or “my partner never cares about my feelings.” We explore where these stories came from, why they feel so true in the moment, and how they keep the problematic cycle going. Then we find the parts of you underneath the stories: the parts that actually love this person and want to be close, and you practice responding from there instead.
You leave sessions having done something different with each other, not just having talked about doing something different. And that means when a hard conversation comes up on a Thursday night, your body has a reference point for a new way through it.
Later phase: Staying connected through whatever comes next
As you get better at catching the old patterns and choosing different responses, we go deeper. We work on the wounds underneath the relationship conflict, the ones you each brought in with you, so that the next hard thing (job loss, a health crisis, a parenting disagreement, etc.) doesn’t undo everything you’ve built together. The goal is that you come out of hard seasons closer instead of more distant.
When couples commit to this work, the relationship changes show up in specific, concrete ways…
Have the hard conversations that matter: Talk about the chronic pain flare-ups without one partner shutting down from guilt and the other from resentment. Discuss the differences in faith, lifestyle, or identity that feel terrifying to name out loud. Make decisions about career changes, where to live, how to handle extended family without the conversation derailing into past hurts. And then move on with your evening together instead of retreating to separate corners of the house.
Repair after fights in hours instead of days: Come back to each other quickly, even when the fight was ugly, instead of spending three days in cold silence while your kids walk on eggshells wondering what happened between mom and dad. The fight happens, it’s hard, and by Saturday morning you’re getting coffee together instead of still punishing each other for Wednesday night.
Stay emotionally present during sex and physical intimacy: Be in your body instead of going through the motions or avoiding it altogether. Physical closeness starts to feel like actual connection again instead of another place where something feels off between you.
Stop the pursue-withdraw dance around everyday stress: One partner dealing with a health crisis doesn’t have to mean the other feels like a helpless, lonely bystander. The hard seasons bring you closer instead of creating distance you spend the next six months trying to recover from.
Make decisions together without someone always giving in: Both of you get to have needs and preferences, and you work through disagreements without someone caving just to end the argument. The decisions you make reflect both of you, so neither person is quietly building a case for why this relationship doesn’t work.
Who benefits from this approach?
This works for couples where past experiences are interfering with your ability to stay connected, especially when:
One or both of you have a history of childhood abuse or neglect, difficult past relationships, betrayal, or significant loss
You keep having the same fight, just with different topics
One partner shuts down and the other escalates
Beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m too much,” “they don’t get it,” or “I’m a bad partner” show up during conflicts
You or your partner have chronic pain or health issues that create tension, withdrawal, or resentment between you
You've tried couples therapy before but the communication tools don’t stick when emotions run high
You're open to working with your body’s responses, not just talking about problems
I also work with couples where faith changes, mixed-faith dynamics, or purity culture aftermath affect intimacy and connection. If one or both of you are deconstructing, those issues often need their own focused work. See my page on couples therapy for faith and identity changes.
This approach won’t work well if…
There’s active abuse happening between you — physical, emotional, or verbal
Substance abuse or active addiction is the primary issue
Either partner isn’t willing to look at their own role and contributions
Online EFT Couples Therapy for Washington Residents
If Thursday night’s argument is still sitting between you by Sunday morning and you’re somewhere in Washington wondering whether couples therapy could actually change the dynamic, I see couples via telehealth in Seattle, Bellevue, Tacoma, Vancouver, Spokane, and throughout Washington State.
I see clients via telehealth on Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 8am-6pm. I also offer in-person sessions on Mondays at my Bothell office through summer 2026.
About Ingrid Johnston, LMFT, MDFT
EFT couples therapist
I’ve been working with couples since 2014, specializing in relationships where past experiences are driving the conflict in ways that communication tools alone can't fix. I'm trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), EMDR, somatic therapy, and Pain Reprocessing Therapy, and I hold advanced certification in Medical Family Therapy from Seattle Pacific University.
What makes my approach different from most couples therapists, including other EFT therapists, is that I don’t just validate and reflect. I’m directive and I’ll coach you through hard moments in the session, help you notice what’s happening in your body when your partner says something that triggers you, and guide you through responding differently in real time.
Many of my couples are also dealing with chronic pain, faith transitions, or complex trauma histories, and those layers need someone who can work with all of it at once.
I’m a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and the Washington Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (WAMFT).
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: Washington State License #LF61033631
Questions?
FAQs About EFT Couples Therapy for Conflict
If you don’t see your question answered here, please check my FAQ page.
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Couples sessions are $350 for 50 minutes.
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I don’t accept insurance directly, which keeps your therapy records private and our work focused on what you need rather than what an insurance company will approve.
A note specific to couples therapy: most insurance plans won’t reimburse for couples sessions, even out of network. Couples therapy uses a relational diagnosis code, which means the diagnosis applies to what’s happening between you as a couple, rather than to either of you individually, and most plans don’t cover that. All couples session fees are paid directly out of pocket. If you have an HSA or FSA account, those funds can typically be used, but check with your plan administrator to confirm.
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Most couples therapy focuses on teaching communication skills: how to listen, how to use "I statements," how to compromise. Those tools are helpful when both people can stay calm enough to use them. But if one of you shuts down the moment conflict starts or the other floods with emotion and can't stop, the tools don't stick. This approach works with your nervous system responses first, so that the communication skills you already know actually become accessible when you need them.
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You don’t need a trauma diagnosis to benefit from this work. If you notice that your reactions during fights feel bigger than the situation calls for, if one of you goes blank or the other can’t stop escalating, or if the same argument keeps recycling with different content, those are signs that something underneath the surface is getting activated. EFT is perfect for this. We’ll figure out what's driving the dynamic together.
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That's common. Trauma doesn’t just affect the person who experienced it; it affects the relationship. The partner without the trauma history often feels confused, shut out, or like they’re walking on eggshells. Both of you learn how these patterns work between you, and both of you develop new ways to respond. This is couples work, not individual therapy happening in the same room.
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Most couples I work with come weekly and stay in therapy for 6-12+ months, depending on the complexity. Some couples notice shifts in how they fight within the first few weeks. The deeper work — changing the behaviors and reactions that have been around for years — takes longer.
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Yes, and this is specifically what this approach is designed for. When one partner has PTSD or complex trauma, it shows up in the relationship whether you're addressing it or not. It looks like being on edge, emotional flooding, withdrawal, difficulty with intimacy, or reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation. We work with those responses directly in the context of your relationship so that your partner becomes part of your healing instead of accidentally triggering you.
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Chronic pain often creates a dynamic where one partner feels guilty or burdensome and the other feels helpless or resentful, and neither person talks about it directly. Intimacy changes, activities get dropped, and the relationship quietly reorganizes itself around the pain. I work with couples to address this directly so that pain doesn’t become the thing that slowly pushes you apart. Learn more about chronic pain therapy here.
Get In Touch
Contact Ingrid
Please complete the form, and I will be in touch within 48 business hours.
Office and mailing address:
19803 North Creek Parkway, Suite 205
Bothell, WA 98011
In-person in Bothell & online across Washington